Subject: CODY'S COL.#5: I'M SORRRRRRY! From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mithryl) Date: 1997/07/11 Message-Id: <email@example.com> Newsgroups: rec.arts.prose,alt.sex.stories,alt.politics.sex COLUMN #5 (tm) HEY, JOE, I'M SORRRRRRRRY!!! By Cody Ann Michaels c. All rights reserved. "In my country, politicians would go to jail if they sold their votes like Americans." -- Canadian prime minister to Belgian one, unaware he was talking in front of an open mike while they waited for Bill Clinton to show up. The way I see it, the reason the Democrats get so uptight about the Starr investigation into the Clinton scandals is they're deathly afraid Leon... I mean, Ken, might actually have something on their boy. Leon? Now why did I say Leon? Oh yeah. I reme mber. Leon Jarouski (sp?) was in charge of prosecuting Oliver North et. al. for Contragate as the Democrats stood on their chairs and cheered and the Republicans worried over the waste of taxpayer money. I also remember the Dems' howls of anquish when G eorge Bush, on the eve of leaving office, let the evil doers like Caspar Weinberger slink off into the night with pardons. Now we have come full circle, and the real question is not whether the Clintons are guilty, but when they will get theirs. Pardons , I mean. Will Clinton pardon Hillary? I mean, he puts up with a lot already from the smirky bitch, considering what she must have on him -- Geneffer, Paula, the white tramp population of Arkansas -- but would a pardon be going too far? Let Al do it. If Al makes it. Al may need some letting off, himself. Did Nixon pardon Spiro? Would Newt pardon any of them? How about Strom? He's next in line. Would Strom even know what a pardon is by this time? He has enough trouble with our armed forces. How about all those guys in uniform who persist in going out on dates? Should they be pardoned? Or stood against a wall? How about forgiveness? Will God forgive any of them? How about a national day of atonement, like in Germany, for what they did to th e Jews, only in this case, it will be for what they do to us. Clinton et. al., I mean. Not the Jews. Or Germans. Frankly, I would have a lot of trouble forgiving Clinton. I could forgive Newt, because, let's face it, the man can't help it. But Clint on... "The Unforgiven." That was the song Melissa Drexler asked the band to play after she dumped her baby in the trash at the high school prom. Maybe Clinton should have had it on the victrola last year when he threw millions of kids into the trash wi th his anti-welfare law to show Republicans who's side he was really on. Or when he trashed the civil rights of immigrants with his terrorism laws. Or when his crime act took away Pell education grants for prisoners; the same law that makes legal fifty ways to kill your neighbor. Nuremberg established that there are some acts that are too heineous to be pardoned or forgiven. This meditation was inspired by an op-ed column in what passes for the local paper. I've already forgotten who wrote it; someone of the politically correct left lamenting that the Starr investigation would go on forever, even posthumous Clinton, dredgin g up the by then late president's grade school piccadillos. Oh please! So sad. Let me say, my politics are somewhere west of the late Josef Stalin's, but listening to liberals whine about the trials of a president who has betrayed everything they think they stand for is to me, well, unforgiveable. Still, it got me thinking. About contrition and things like that. For instance, a big non-issue right now is should whites apologize to blacks for slavery? If they do, should blacks forgive them? To err is human. To forgive, divine. We have a lot o f potential for sainthood in this country. Newt said blacks would rather have an education. Well, the way things stand now, they aren't going to get one. So wouldn't it be better to take what they can get? And who should do the apologizing? Oh yeah. Clinton. Well, we already know what that's worth. Sorry means nothing if it doesn't come with a check. In Mike Tyson's case, the check is 3 million plus costs to atone for biting off Evander Holyfeld's ear. That and revocation of his license to beat people senseless in Nevada. Should Nevada have forgiven Tyson? Holyfeld said he had forgiven Mike, but p ossibly that was because, in the heat of logic, the divinity of the purse of the next Tyson-Holyfelt fight had appeared to him. My gran watched the entire proceeding of the Nevada Boxing Commission as it deliberated how to keep Tyson from ever again bringing hundreds of millions of dollars into Nevada. I was surprised. Watching heads in suits talk and say stupid things is usual ly not my gran's speed. I bet there were guys in rooms all over the world screaming in holy ecstacy when it came down that Tyson was unforgiven and thus could not fight in Vegas or anywhere else occupied by the U.S. government. This is the same as forei gn aid to places like Australia, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Paris, Helsinki, Cayman Islands, Barcelona... Winnepeg; any place where a pay per view billion dollar fight can be put on and not have to be bothered by U.S. boxing laws. With money like that, who needs forgiveness? (That was my first take on the proceedings, but later, naif that I am, it was pointed out that in all that double talk, if the Commissioners had merely suspended Tyson, they might have done it for years, but by revoking his license, all he h as to do is wait a year before reapplying. The $27 million he was allowed to keep should tide him over until next mealtime.) Secretary of the Air Force Sheila Widnall is not going to forgive 2nd Lt. William Kite for dating the woman he married. In a memorandum, Secretary Widnall, said it would set a bad precedent, apparently feeling the spectacle of the U.S. Air Force continu ing to make an ass of itself is a better one. Whatever happened to the image of the heroic American flyboy? Steve Canyon and all that? Today the average junior birdman in his BV-52 seems to be a twit with the soul of a bookkeeper, desperately in fear o f losing his commission if he is caught in the company of a tenderfoot or whatever they call women from an inferior class in the military. And forget about bringing her to the country club. Incidentally, now that we have gotten -- at least in some place s -- to where it's okay for people of different races to marry, isn't this a hot new form of discrimination? If a girl in the Air Force isn't allowed to upwardly mobile herself by dating or marrying say a general or even a lt. col., aren't her civil righ ts being extremely violated? What's next? Separate bathrooms? Segregated schools? Ya all move to the back of the bus, honey. And if a honky... excuse me, superior officer gets on board, you give him your seat. Got that? Yeah. Right. We've come a long way, baby. No apologies necessary. Then there's Joe Camel. Smokey Joe is also not going to be forgiven. In fact, the word is, Smokey Joe is dead. So is Che. So what? The anti-smoking people took an ad cartoon barely anyone noticed and turned it into a national icon. It doesn't matter if the cigarette compan ies don't use Joe anymore. Thanks to the anti-smoking nuts, he's immortal. Test yourself: What tastes good like a da da should? And I wasn't even born when they took that off tv. Joe is now gone underground. He's the fugitive. He's Elvis. The ultimate rebel. The tobacco drug lords must be rolling on their plush carpets laughing. I don't like to sound mystical, but in keeping with this, this evening I was sitting out on the deck. The noise from Gran watching Peter the Liar was coming through the door. The sky was filled with white clouds, and as Peter kept saying over and over that Joe Camel was fin ished, dead, kaput, I noticed this black cloud against the white ones. It was shaped just like a camel with two humps; it had a smile on it's face, and it was smoking a cigarette. Now, like wow! Is that a vision or what? I never see things in the clouds. But this one was crystal clear. Later, when I told Gran, she said it meant that Joe had gone to heaven. But I don't know. Maybe he was bad. Maybe he did bad things. But deep in my heart, I know there will always be a hundred acre wood where Joe and the other animals are still fucking around.