Subject: CODY'S COLUMN: WHERE THE BOYS ARE From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mithryl) Date: 1997/08/25 Message-Id: <email@example.com> Newsgroups: alt.politics.usa.misc,rec.arts.prose,alt.prose COLUMN #5 (tm) WHERE THE BOYS ARE By Cody Ann Michaels c. All rights reserved. Writing a novel takes a lot out of you. There's not much left over. So my clip file from the NY Times has been threatening to bury me. I finally decided, I have to do some house cleaning. There's no use waiting until I have the energy to give each on e of these howlers the attention it desperately is seeking. So herewith, a collection that confirms my sincere belief that the Times is the finest publication of satire since Punch: August 18, 1997: "Columbia, S.C. The alumni of two military colleges, The Citadel and Virginia Military Institute, said they would create a private Christian college for men [only] now that the courts have forced the two public institutions to accept women." (My brackets added.) "A V.M.I. graduate who was leading the effort, Mike Guthrie, said the proposed college, Southern Military Institute, would..." emphasize "military traditions of the Confederacy." Okay. I'm only a girl, so what do I know, but as far as I know from school, the military traditions of the Confederacy were a. losing the war and b. defending slavery. It's true, Erwin Rommel came here in the 1930s to study the tactics of Robert E. Lee , strategies he later employed brilliantly in losing to Montgomery at Alamein and Eisenhower at Normandy, but is this tradition really worth $100 million to get S.M.I. up and running? I'm also curious to know how graduates of a boys school dedicated to d efending slavery and being misogynistic can be expected to fit into society of the 21st century. I mean, how many throwbacks can Congress and professional wrestling absorb? * August 21, 1997 "The White House is like a subway. You have to put in coins to open the gates." -- Johnny Chung to a Senate committee on campaign finances, who described how he used hundreds of thousands of dollars wired from overseas to get Chinese businessmen into th e Executive Mansion where they were permitted a "Kodak moment" with the chief exec and accused sex offender. One, a beer maker, later used the results of his photo op in an advertisement. I wonder. Does Clinton take Metrocards? * August 23, 1997 "The investigative arm of Congress reported this week that the B-2, the world's most expensive aircraft, [designed to drop nuclear bombs on Moscow] deteriorates in rain, heat and humidity. It 'must be sheltered or exposed only to the most benign environ ments -- low humidity, no precipitation, moderate temperatures,' said the report by the General Accounting Office..." on why Air Force stealth bombers can't be deployed overseas where they might be used in battle. The report said the thermoplastic skin o f the planes, which is what makes them stealthy, cannot handle the heat or the damp or the rain. I know. I have the same problem. I have to constantly protect my delicate skin even if it isn't thermoplastic. Maybe the A.F. should consult with Estee Lauder for the right beta blocker. "The Air Force issued a statement ... saying that, for now, it will cancel plans to station the bombers overseas. 'It would be difficult to operate the B-2 from a deployed location,' the Air Force statement said." This is the same Air Force that has integrity problems with someone sleeping with someone else's husband, but doesn't see anything unethical in blowing $44.7 billion on 21 planes that don't work. The bombers right now are being kept in climate controlle d hangars at their base in Missouri. Ironically, this is the same place the A.F. is currently court martialling an officer for marrying a woman outside his class. Military justice is such an interesting thing to contemplate. I know, you will say, there she goes again, comparing apples and oranges. But doesn't anyone get it? The root of the military's problem -- and America's, too, for that matter -- is not sin, it is hypocricy. You can't starve children, punish love, and expect the planes to fly. Eventually the lies come back to slap you in the face. What else? Oh yeah, while we're on the subject of things military, would someone explain this? How come a movie about Demi Moore trying to make the grade as a Navy seal is titled "G.I. Jane?" G.I., the last I checked, meant "ground infantry," strictly an Army ope ration. I mean, if Hollywood can't get its facts straight, why should we expect the impossible from the real thing? * March 3, 1997 (leftovers) "PARENT: Please exercise caution -- FOR PLAY ONLY: Mask and chest plate are not protective: cape does not enable user to fly." -- Warning label on Batman costume. Which, of course, is perfectly stupid, because as any kid knows, Batman can't fly. It's Superman, schmuck. Up, up and away. Get it? On the other hand, a Batman cape can make you look perfectly super. Especially if you accessorize it properly. I lov e to dress up like Batman, although I wear stockings and a suspender belt, not tights, under my black panties. With it, I usually wear either a fishnet body stocking or a ruffled shirt front with bare shoulders. And the utility belt is great for lipstic ks, makeup, and fine nylon cord for strangling anyone I don't like. High heeled black boots, elbow length black gloves and the mask and cowl, although the latter I often just wear thrown back, ready to slip on if the need arises. I have to admit, in the mirror, I look spectacular. No wonder men go crazy over me. On second thought, maybe I will save this tidbit for a longer story. Stay tuned.