From: (Mithryl)
Date:         1997/08/25
Message-Id:   <5tqi7r$5a5$>
Newsgroups:   alt.politics.usa.misc,rec.arts.prose,alt.prose

                         COLUMN #5 (tm)

                       WHERE THE BOYS ARE

                      By Cody Ann Michaels
                     c. All rights reserved.

	Writing a novel takes a lot out of you.  There's not much left
over.  So my clip file from the NY Times has been threatening to bury me. 
I finally decided, I have to do some house cleaning.  There's no use
waiting until I have the energy to give each on e of these howlers the
attention it desperately is seeking.  So herewith, a collection that
confirms my sincere belief that the Times is the finest publication of
satire since Punch: 

August 18, 1997:

	"Columbia, S.C.  The alumni of two military colleges, The Citadel
and Virginia Military Institute, said they would create a private
Christian college for men [only] now that the courts have forced the two
public institutions to accept women."  (My brackets added.) 

	"A V.M.I. graduate who was leading the effort, Mike Guthrie, said
the proposed college, Southern Military Institute, would..." emphasize
"military traditions of the Confederacy." 

	Okay.  I'm only a girl, so what do I know, but as far as I know
from school, the military traditions of the Confederacy were a. losing the
war and b. defending slavery.  It's true, Erwin Rommel came here in the
1930s to study the tactics of Robert E. Lee , strategies he later employed
brilliantly in losing to Montgomery at Alamein and Eisenhower at Normandy,
but is this tradition really worth $100 million to get S.M.I. up and
running?  I'm also curious to know how graduates of a boys school
dedicated to d efending slavery and being misogynistic can be expected to
fit into society of the 21st century.  I mean, how many throwbacks can
Congress and professional wrestling absorb? 


August 21, 1997

	"The White House is like a subway.  You have to put in coins to
open the gates." -- Johnny Chung to a Senate committee on campaign
finances, who described how he used hundreds of thousands of dollars wired
from overseas to get Chinese businessmen into th e Executive Mansion where
they were permitted a "Kodak moment" with the chief exec and accused sex
offender.  One, a beer maker, later used the results of his photo op in an

	I wonder.  Does Clinton take Metrocards?


August 23, 1997

	"The investigative arm of Congress reported this week that the
B-2, the world's most expensive aircraft, [designed to drop nuclear bombs
on Moscow] deteriorates in rain, heat and humidity.  It 'must be sheltered
or exposed only to the most benign environ ments -- low humidity, no
precipitation, moderate temperatures,' said the report by the General
Accounting Office..." on why Air Force stealth bombers can't be deployed
overseas where they might be used in battle.  The report said the
thermoplastic skin o f the planes, which is what makes them stealthy,
cannot handle the heat or the damp or the rain. 

	I know.  I have the same problem.  I have to constantly protect my
delicate skin even if it isn't thermoplastic.  Maybe the A.F. should
consult with Estee Lauder for the right beta blocker. 

	"The Air Force issued a statement ... saying that, for now, it
will cancel plans to station the bombers overseas.  'It would be difficult
to operate the B-2 from a deployed location,' the Air Force statement

	This is the same Air Force that has integrity problems with
someone sleeping with someone else's husband, but doesn't see anything
unethical in blowing $44.7 billion on 21 planes that don't work.  The
bombers right now are being kept in climate controlle d hangars at their
base in Missouri.  Ironically, this is the same place the A.F. is
currently court martialling an officer for marrying a woman outside his
class.  Military justice is such an interesting thing to contemplate. 

	I know, you will say, there she goes again, comparing apples and
oranges.  But doesn't anyone get it?  The root of the military's problem
-- and America's, too, for that matter -- is not sin, it is hypocricy. 
You can't starve children, punish love, and expect the planes to fly. 
Eventually the lies come back to slap you in the face. 

	What else?

	Oh yeah, while we're on the subject of things military, would
someone explain this?  How come a movie about Demi Moore trying to make
the grade as a Navy seal is titled "G.I. Jane?"  G.I., the last I checked,
meant "ground infantry," strictly an Army ope ration.  I mean, if
Hollywood can't get its facts straight, why should we expect the
impossible from the real thing? 


March 3, 1997 (leftovers)
	"PARENT: Please exercise caution -- FOR PLAY ONLY: Mask and chest
plate are not protective: cape does not enable user to fly."  -- Warning
label on Batman costume. 

	Which, of course, is perfectly stupid, because as any kid knows,
Batman can't fly.  It's Superman, schmuck.  Up, up and away.  Get it?  On
the other hand, a Batman cape can make you look perfectly super.
Especially if you accessorize it properly.  I lov e to dress up like
Batman, although I wear stockings and a suspender belt, not tights, under
my black panties.  With it, I usually wear either a fishnet body stocking
or a ruffled shirt front with bare shoulders.  And the utility belt is
great for lipstic ks, makeup, and fine nylon cord for strangling anyone I
don't like.  High heeled black boots, elbow length black gloves and the
mask and cowl, although the latter I often just wear thrown back, ready to
slip on if the need arises.  I have to admit, in the mirror, I look
spectacular.  No wonder men go crazy over me. 

	On second thought, maybe I will save this tidbit for a longer
story.  Stay tuned.